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Who would scream at this face? What could possibly motivate an otherwise rational human being to yell at an angel like this? In public, no less?
This morning was the annual soccer parade in my home town. It's a big event that brings out most of the town, either lining Main Street to watch or they're part of the procession of kids and their parents walking in it. Shortly after the walk, my eight year old son told me he was going to the water faucet to grab a drink. I'm assistant coaching his team so I was talking with the head coach at the time, but told him to go for it. It was just a few yards away, but he had to cut through at least 30 or so people (maybe more like 50) walking in both directions. I half-listened to the coach for about 30-45 seconds and then looked toward the water faucet.
Gone.
I went over to the playground area surrounding the water faucet. Nowhere in sight. Lots of kids that look a little like him were playing on and around the play structure (half of the boys in the parade were wearing the white jersey and black shorts he had on; the other half wore yellow jerseys) but he wasn't among them. Even though it was a family event and we live in a very safe little town, I had a sick feeling and sudden panic hit me. I stepped up onto the retaining wall next to the faucet, and scanned the crowd as neighbors and friends passed by saying hello. I responded distracted and abruptly, asking them to keep a lookout for him and tell him to head back to the water faucet if they saw him while my eyes darted frantically around the thick but slowly dispersing crowd. Fear got the best of me and a truly horrific possibility crossed my mind, if only for a moment.
Just then I saw him down the street a block or so away with a family we both knew (thanks Kit!) and called out to him. He was walking in the other direction with them and I injured my knee a few months ago, so running to catch them was not an option. So, I screamed as loudly as I could at least three or four times, now feeling as much anger and relief as I had felt panic a few moments before. When I finally got his attention, I motioned to him sternly to come to me. He was defensive and protesting his innocence even before we were in range to hear each other and it was a struggle just to get a word in.
So I opened up and dressed him down with the self-righteous zeal of a fiery televangelist. I pretty much lost any sense of dignity and delivered the lecture about three times louder and more angrily than was truly necessary.
And then I felt terrible. So I explained to him that when he told me where he was going, I expected him to be there when I looked for him. But he thought he'd remembered where I was and was trying to return there. Ultimately it was my fault since I should have told him to stay there and I would follow him. But I didn't. I apologized to him both for my outburst, and for not making it clear what he should do. I also let him know that if we're ever separated again with no way of contacting one another, he should go back to the last place I knew he was and wait for me.
Later, after we got home, he seemed to be fine but I was still shaken and ashamed of my display of anger with him, especially since it was something I could have avoided in the first place. I told him I thought I might have lost him for good, even though that was very unlikely, and that I loved him more than I could say (which he already knows). We shared a long hug and sigh, then resumed watching the Incredible Hulk remake we'd started last night.
And just when I was beginning to feel so Zen. Thanks, ego, for reminding me how much work I still have to do.
